Sunday, April 23, 2017

We Were Liars by E. Lockhart

My full name is Cadence Sinclair Eastman.

I live in Burlington, Vermont, with Mummy and three dogs.

I am nearly eighteen.

I own a well-used library card and not much else, though it is true I live in a grand house full of expensive, useless objects.

I used to be blond, but now my hair is black.

I used to be strong, but now I am weak.

I used to be pretty, but now I look sick.

It is true I suffer migraines since my accident.

It is true I do not suffer fools.

I like a twist of meaning. You see? Suffer migraines. Do not suffer fools. The word means almost the same as it did in the previous sentence, but not quite.


You could say it means endure, but that's not exactly right.

My story starts before the accident. June of the summer I was fifteen, my father ran off with some woman he loved more than us.

'We Were Liars' grabs you from the very start. Told from the perspective of Cadence Eastman, it is the story of childhood summers spent in idyllic surroundings. There is a problem, though. Cadence has an accident which obliterates her memory of one summer. She doesn't remember the hospital treatments following her accident however hard she tries. Her mother stopped telling her what had happened as it kept upsetting her so there is nothing left for Cadence to do but remember it herself.

The novel is Cadence's attempt to piece the puzzle back together: the summers leading up to the accident, her growing love for her cousin's friend, her grandfather's stronghold on her mother and aunts. Something happened during the summer of the accident, that much she knows, but nobody will tell her exactly what happened. It is an enthralling read -- perfect as the weather warms up for summer!


Saturday, April 22, 2017

On Plan

People often talk about being 'on plan' at group. I thought I knew what they were talking about. I thought I was 'on plan' too. Sometimes, I was however most of the time I was half-heartedly on plan.Where I would keep a rough running total of my daily syns but not actually sit down and add them up to make sure they weren't over 15. This week I have been a lot more committed to the diet than I have been in a while. I've tracked my syns (especially when I go over my daily limit!) and tried to keep eating as much speed food as possible. I learned what staying 'on plan' means this week. Keeping under those 15 syns, tracking what I eat, fitting in some body magic.

Weight loss this week: 2.5lbs

Aim for next week: 2lbs and to stay 'on plan' the whole week!


Monday, April 17, 2017

To My Wife by Oscar Wilde

I can write no stately proem
As a prelude to my lay;
From a poet to a poem
I would dare to say.

For if of these fallen petals

One to you seem fair,
Love will waft it till it settles
On your hair.

And when wind and winter harden

All the loveless land,
It will whisper of the garden,
You will understand.


Saturday, April 15, 2017

Why did I start?

When something becomes routine, it's hard to remember why you do it in the first place.

So, why did I want to lose weight in the first place?

-          To change my shape
-          To fit into better clothes
-          To stop emotionally eating
-          To be able to shop for clothes on the high street
-          To become more confident
-          To not be told ‘[insert random medical condition here] is probably due to your weight.’
-          To not be the odd-one-out in the wedding
-          To look at the photos from my niece / nephew’s baptism and not cringe
-          To change my future
-          To have a healthier attitude towards food
-          To see if I can do it.


Saturday, April 8, 2017


I've spent the past week fixated on how long my weight loss journey is going to be. I calculated endlessly how long it will take me to lose the rest of the weight. At least another year, if you're interested. 

And what happened? 

Instead of focusing on my day-to-day weight loss, I became complacent and let it slide. It wasn't until the day before my weigh-in when I noticed I hadn't lost weight at all. I can't even tell you exactly where I went wrong -- I genuinely just didn't take much notice of what I was eating this week. I am lucky that I didn't gain but so frustrated that I didn't lose the 1.5lbs I needed to get my 4 stone certificate.

Weight loss this week: maintain

Aiming for 4 lbs weight loss next week (need to make up for lost time!)


Wednesday, April 5, 2017

April Musings

It's funny - the things which will forever tie a portion of yourself to the past can never be predicted. I spend a lot of my time thinking about the past. I think it's natural when you're a teacher to think back to what life was like when you were in their shoes: taking your exams, uncertain of the future, hating this teacher or that person with a passion that knew no equal. I am fairly certain that I spent my teenage years daydreaming. Dreaming about a life that was far away from my reality -- it was the only way I could keep sane.

I found myself in a bookshop today, looking at the aisles upon aisles of books. I spent a lot of my teenage years in bookshops too -- trying to figure out which books were they books I was supposed to read. I was always drawn to Sylvia Plath, like many a cliché before me I found solace in her anger -- in her Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I'm through. Looking at this book on the shelves transported me back to a time and place when I would read her poems and diaries and feel like she was the only one who knew. It sounds silly and it felt silly thinking about it in that bookshop -- how very deeply attached I was to her words.

I picked this up and began to read it, the familiar words washing over me. I already had a copy of her collected poems but there was something about this copy that I needed. On the train home I read them. It was different this time. I think in my youthful naïveté I glorified her suicide: it made her emotions sharper, somehow. It made the fuzziness and blurriness palatable because a life lived in sharp focus was too much to bear.

On that train back through London, I found comfort in knowing how far I had come from the last time I read her words. The same words had a different effect on me -- they weren't anchoring me to a dead poet, they were anchoring me to a very hurt and sad girl who felt incredibly lonely.  I knew that I was going to be okay because I wasn't done growing, evolving, finding answers to things. I felt happy to be older: to be able to look back and forward at the same time. To know how far I had come and how far I still have to go.


Saturday, April 1, 2017

Aims for April

This week I managed a loss of 2lbs. It was a surprise - I've finished my second placement and that involved a lot of celebratory biscuits and cake! I did take myself off to the gym twice, though, to counter those naughty moments. It was the first time in a while that I have felt pleased with my weight loss though (last week's 1lb was not well received when I had been so good). I really want to use this good feeling to motivate me throughout April.

My aims for April:

Drink more water on a daily basis.

Exercise at least twice a week.

Lose 12lbs.

Get 4 stone and 4.5 stone awards.

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